I’m sitting in bed 3.5 days post surgery after having a D&C from my miscarriage and an unexpected cystectomy that removed a very large cyst that has been causing me trouble for years. (and could very well have been the reason I miscarried in the first place – but who knows)
I sit in bed – literally all day – and because I’m forced to stay here to allow my body to heal my mind is wandering everywhere. It’s hard to stand still when the world keeps on moving. It’s hard to open your insta feed to find 8 different beautiful mamas snuggling their newborn babies or heading to the hospital with their packed baby bags, swaddle blankets, and matching robes. I feel a tad bit of jealously, a little bit of envy (which is bad I know), and overall just empty and sad.
But…I also feel peace. I think mostly because I ask Him for it. I feel Jesus’ overwhelming peace. I know this is not the end of our story as a family. I know that there is someone or someones meant to be part of our beautiful tribe. I just don’t know how, and there’s a beauty in the unknown. Will we adopt siblings? Will we foster? Will God the Father bless us with another baby for me to carry? The possibilities are endless and I know it all starts will a resounding trust in Jesus and letting go.
Allowing for the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart during these few quiet, painful days that will pass quickly is most important. Loving on my children who also feel the pain of this loss is most important. And especially loving my PATIENT and incredible super-man of a husband. He has been simultaneously taking care of me, cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, spraying off counters, taking out the dog, changing the fish tank water, feeding, playing, and being Dad to our three kids while dealing with a VERY hormonal not-myself version of his wife. (I’m so wildly grateful for you babe) I have not always been nice to him in the process. I think we take out our fear/pain/frustration on those we love most. (and being stuffed with pain meds doesn’t help either)
Anyway, I guess the reason for the little post is that I miss my baby, what might have been, and I look forward to the slow ups and downs of healing from this chapter. This messy, unexpected, trust-in-God-no-matter-what chapter.
There have been pockets of beauty. My girlfriend Tiffany baked the most delicious pumpkin bread in the history of the world and brought it over today along with laughter, happy stories, a delicious fresh juice and a box full of home baked goods and quiche (which happens to be my absolute favorite) She prayed over me and brought light into a dark room. I love you Tiff.
My sister Marie is literally my angel. Marie also came by and took care of me all day long. After the laparoscopic surgery theres a ton of CO2 trapped in my body and for some reason it’s stayed in my right shoulder (simply no fun) and she’s been an ANGEL. She massaged my shoulder and back literally all day on and off, sat with me, cried with me, and let me just be broken. Its wonderful to have people in your life who let you be broken and can just love you through it. She is and will always be my angel, and someday I’ll return the favor.
So tomorrow begins a new day, another day to heal, another day to mourn, another day to hope and move forward. It also brings the first day of homeschool, and all the joy that comes with it. Thanks for your love and prayers friends. Wishing you the best day ever.
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